Ever walk into a room and feel like all the chatter stops because everybody was talking about you? The world comes crashing down when you find out its true. The reputation I’ve built up. The judgement I get. The fake greetings followed with fake smiles. 

It would be so much easier if I just left. Transferred. Got out of here.

I only work well under pressure. Its been a miracle that I haven’t had to pay for my procrastination. Only going to classes once a day only to pull all nighters every night before the exam to learn it all. I’m so lucky it hasn’t bitch slapped me back to reality where hard work pays off. A transfer might be good. Transfer somewhere more challenging. Somewhere that I’ll always be under pressure, so I’ll be so focused on school, I can’t focus on the controversies of a social life. A couple weeks ago, the Cornell transfer application projected on a single lonely tab. So many reasons to leave, yet so many that makes it impossible to leave. 

My life is the most carefree it has ever been. So why do I have nightmares every night? Wake up drenched in sweat, still breathing hard. Not the ideal way to start the day.

It just took being at home to make me realize how much I’ve really changed

Back to college. Reunited with society. Can’t stand being home.